ma vie est une montagne de rouge.

life is a rollercoaster, that much is true.

but i'm scared of rollercoasters.

terrified actually.

anticipation, a build up and then a fall.
scream, cry, hold you're breath until you turn blue.
panic attacks that lead to astham attacks.

thats how a rollercoaster feels like to me.

i'm yelling at the attendant, telling him to lift the bar, i can't handle this, i'm not brave enough, i want off, please get me off.

but no one listens.the ride starts and i sit there a helpless wreck.



couldn't we have just ridden the carousel instead?

scrunchies.

I really want a scrunchie. Like a really legit scrunchie. like those american apparel style ones! like omg you have no idea. i've been having the urge to style my hair in ways that could only be achieve with the use of a scrunchie. those little elastic hair ties just don't cut it for me. I WANT A SCRUNCHIE. i wish someone would have gotten them for me for christmas, but no. lol but it's never too late! *hint hint* haha jk.But yeah... i just really love scrunchies.

xoxox <3

swimming, memories, contentness, friends, etc.

Had a refreshing day today. I'm so glad i decided to go. eventhough i was alone the whole day. i gave myself an hour and a half workout. which in itself was fantastic. i forgot how much i love cold water. After that i got my book out and just layed on the pool deck reading/napping/tanning. it was fabulous. no one talked to me the entire time, no one payed me any notice. i was alone. & i was ok.

This time alone was a very good time for some self-reflection. usually i hate being alone but today was so different. it was undescribable . but i came out from the pool so realxed & at peace with the world. i feel changed & exactly the same at the same time. I dont even know. words fail me.

Through this I realized that all my most memorable moments with my friends or in life in general have been when we weren't really doing anything. it wasnt the times i went to parties, or went out, or got wasted, it wasnt the times when i had the most fun or was the happiest. it was the moments When i was just having a quiet moment or a small conversation with someone, just time where things seemed quiet & simple and i was completely content.

Then i realized that the people i've had these moments with are the ones i'm the closest to. which of course make the moments more special. like with my Friend dulce one of my favorite memories is when we were eating grilled cheese sandwhiches & watching spongebob. with melissa the best was( and still is) everytime i'd go to her house and we just relaxed watching tv. my best moment with Daisy was when we used to lay on the turf at irving and watch the clouds go by. my new fave with kim is when is going to the park/her house with her & just talking about anything & everything. My favorite times with darcy was counting pennies & nickels to have enough to buy 35 cent sodas from el ranchito & her hugs. with sean my favorite times are the times when we just got to cuddle after practice and our long all over the place convos. see? simple,stupid, irrelevant moments that only i remember or treasure. I LOVE MY FRIENDS. they're simply amazing.

but yeah, moment like those make life worth it. along with all the ourtageously fun & happy moments. i need to be alone more often ( but not too often!) it lets me appreaciate things more.

ma vie en noir.

ma vie...
currently sucks ass. but whatev, it'll get better someday. ( or maybe not)

can't wait for october, it's all i want right now. i want to drive, & be able to do whatever the fuck i want to. because i'm trapped. i want to be able to visit my girls, & go swimming when i want to.

je déteste ma vie!je déteste ma vie!je déteste ma vie!

but i know i have it easy, i'm lucky. & i'm a selfish bitch for taking it for granted, but i don't care, sometimes one just has to be like that.

i want to drop out of school, & travel this world. never talk to anyone i know again. i want to stop caring the way i do, because ultimately it holds me back. when your life goal is to make others happy, & you try your best to give happiness to others, there is no happiness in this world left in the world for yourself. story of my fucking life. i know i'm going to be stuck where i am forever. some of us are not destined to be happy. some of us get the shrt end of the stick. & thats just the way life goes.

i accept my place in life, but that doesnt make it suck any less.i know i won't accomplish half the things i would like to in life because of things/ alife i am obligated to fufill.

sorry for sounding like this but it's just how i've been feeling for as long as i can remember. & i'll probably always feel this way.

i love you all. & i hope your all happyer w/ your lives.